Friday, October 31, 2008

Are you smarter than a fifth grader?

I really was going to go the weekend without a new post, and then I found this web site. This is like a shrine to FHOTD. It appears to have been written by a 5th grader, and not one in the gifted & talented program.

These folks got my attention as they have been trying to offload a TB filly on Craigslist for some time now with a poorly-spelled ad that scares me. So I followed the link to their web site, and it contains nearly every single thing that will get you on FHOTD! It is almost like they were trying!

1. Horrific spelling:

Just a few examples:

Their motto, on every page: "Remeber the everlasting touch between god and every living creature." Remember 3rd grade spelling class? I am pretty sure they covered that one by then!

More examples:

"gorgous western saddle for sale"

Made me think of a girl with snakes in her hair!

currently we only have to trainers 1. being a trainer who only finishes horses out for performance. and 2. being a full fledged certified trainer." Boy, doesn't that just inspire confidence? Oh wait, I don't know what they actually said.

2. Internet Panhandling!

"FAMOUS TOUCH FARMM is currently workin together with amber conrad of A and H horses on the rescue operation we currently do not have any rescues up for adoption or any in but we want you to please know that if you ever see a horse in need dont turn it down or turn away that is a soul that needs your help."

FHOTD in: Don't let your lack of any way to feed or care for it stop you! RESCUE RESCUE RESCUE!

"Famous Touch Farmm and A and H horses is currently in need of donations of money, hay and land to get our rescue operation going"

Money, hay and land! Well damn, I'd like some of each! Wouldn't you?

3. Questionable Sounding Accomplishments!

"A few accomplishments under our belt are National High Point in trail, reining . . we have worked with horses of all breeds for over 6years"

National High Point in WHAT association?

4. Adopting Horses out to Questionable People (AKA the homeless)

Don't even follow this link if you can't deal with gruesome stories. Basically they adopted a horse out to someone who "had been going from house to house" after suffering some unspecified tragedies, and then someone who was mad at that person came and beat it to death. Nifty. You know, they claim to have reported this to the police and it happened this year...I am fairly local to them and suspect I would NOT have missed this story in the news. Did anybody hear about this? Did it even happen?

5. Dear God, THOSE are Their Broodmares?

Just click here. Seriously. If they breed this cremello thing, I am going to stab my eyes out with a fork. The old mare could be a decent animal, hard to tell from the pics, but the bay mare is a typical example of "she's lame so let's breed her!"


6. Professing Expertise Where None Exists

Their photography page. Oy vey.

7. Careless Horse Handling

Go look at the mares page again for a pic of the old mare grazing with her reins spilling all over behind her ears. Yep, that's a good idea.

8. Bad Parenting and A Stallion Who Should Be a Gelding!

I thought we had missed bad parenting, but then I went over to their trainer's own web site where you can see a stunningly mediocre 3 year old AQHA stallion and learn that "We have put a six year old and a two year old on him and he did very well with them (when he was two). The six year old didn't even have a saddle, halter, or anything on him... " OF COURSE YOU DID.

Oh, wait, it got better. Here's a two year old child on numerous loose horses. Is the bay the fugly stallion? I do believe it is. Seriously, I do not understand - this is an HONEST question, I'm not joking - why it is illegal to not have your kid strapped in to a car seat, yet this is OK? You know, you're not gonna fall off a CAR on your head. You're pretty damn safe in a car unless there's an accident, whereas it's obvious this child is WAY too small to even have a slight chance of staying on board in the (much more common than a car accident) event of a spook.

9. Sending a Blind Mare To The Killers!

Also from Amber the Trainer:

"She started coming up with wounds on her head, so we watched her in her stall. We noticed that she was running into the stall because she couldn't see it very well... After extensive thought, we decided that we should take her to the auction because she was becoming a danger to herself and other people. I don't know what happened to her from there though. I had a friend take her and deal with it because I couldn't bring myself to take her. I had developed a very good bond with her."

Amber, you fucking piece of spineless, penny-pinching shit. Do not pretend you "don't know what happened to her." Where the FUCK do you think your blind mare went at the auction? Where'd you take her, Chehalis? Bet you did. She went to the killers, Amber, and you know it. You sent your BLIND MARE on a double decker ride. You know goddamn well you should have euthed her.

10. Horse Death Due To Flat Out Careless, Irresponsible Shit

(Also from Amber the Trainer)

He was in a rental trailer on his way to go on a trail ride and the trailer door flew open and he fell out because there wasn't a back guard to hold him in. He had many severe injuries on his legs and body. We ended up having to put him down because he couldn't walk around in his stall."

Here's all I have to say, directed at those of you in Western Washington State: