Tuesday, January 22, 2008

Shall we pray for a less loony owner for this poor mare?

Disclaimer: No, I am not doing this to offend every Christian in the world. I am doing this because this person is nuttier than a coconut cake. My comments are in blue.

Arabian Horse - $1

Reply to: sale-546759820@craigslist.org

Date: 2008-01-21, 12:38PM PST

Many of you may think this is crazy, (good, good, admitting you have a problem is the first step!) but for those of you who understand... (and the baby Jesus figurine that you have entire conversations with) please read on: I love my horses more than I can express. I am crying so hard as I write this I can hardly see the screen. I have worked so hard and have spent money I don't have just to see a passion and dream come true (still working on that). (You're in SoCal. You think you're going to be famous, don't you?) I love the Arabian for their beauty and loyalty but I have been raising a training Thoroughbreds (A training Thoroughbreds? Do they train other Thoroughbreds? Nifty!) to produce that one great race horse (That I have as much chance of producing as I have of becoming famous!) . I want to continue to train my racehorses but I need to follow God's plan (Doesn't God disapprove of gambling? You sound like God has entered into a merger with Off-Track Betting.) . I have acheived much but as I suffer through a tremendous financial struggle, I contiunue to ask for the Lord's direction, blessing and help. (Here's a clue sunshine: A second job will do a lot more to get you out of your financial hole. Trust me. Works every time!) Here is where you need to understand me; everytime I pray for the Lord's direction, I believe He is telling me to sacrafice my first born...an Arabian mare now 10 years old. (HOLY SHIT, HIDE THE KNIVES!!!!! I think I saw this person once on an A&E True Crime Special!)

The following are the Bible verses that explain where I am coming from:

(Sorry, far too painful to post, you can read the original ad if you really want to check out the scriptural references)

I can not get away from what I feel God is trying to tell me. So I will sacrafice this beautiful purebred Arabian to only the BEST home possible. (Whaaaa? OK at least you're not going to, like, knife her and smear her blood on your door or something.) But you must understand the following: She must be returned to me if she does not work out for you. (I hope you're planning on a contract and not just hoping it's the will of God that she'll be safe forever.) I will be completely honest about her: She is 10 years old and spoiled rotten. She does not know that she is a horse. She was rejected by her mother at birth and raised with 2 Golden Retrievers so she quite literally believes that she is half human and half Golden Retriever. (Mismanagement of the Orphan Foal, 101, now being taught in lecture room 416!) You must have a gentle hand to ride her and be very experienced. She must go to a home, not a stable. (Did you want someone to keep her in the foyer, perhaps? Is she litter trained?) Her name is My Celestial Fire, by Fire an Ice out of a Straight Egyptian mare, Nabiels Mareekha. She is golden chestnut with a blonde mane and tail and stands about 14.3. She is overly sensitive and HATES other horses. (Since you raised her with dogs and she has no idea what they are) She would be ideal to have a home where someone had no other horses and just wanted to have a wonderfully beautiful companion. (That they don't ride, because it sounds like she is a piece of work!) She does not like to trailer or take baths and does not like to get her feet wet or muddy. She is a Princess in every sense of the word. (Boy, would the Princess and I be having some discussions about who the Princess is around here if I got ahold of her? You know it. Trailering is NOT optional.) She would not make a good mother as I firmly believe that she would try to hurt her own foal. (Does she have the mark of the Beast on her somewhere or what?) Remember, she does not believe that she is a horse. (She told me so) So if the Lord's leads you (Lords? Lords a leapin'?) , feel free to email with any questions. But I do hope that by offering her up for adoption, God will bless and find another way. (Since you can manipulate Him emotionally like that. Works EVERY time.) Thank you. (No, thank you and everybody like you, for providing Fugly Blog Fodder since May 2007!)

FHOTD in: This mare is not fugly. She needs an upgrade to an owner who is more sane and less permissive. And hey, she is free! And if you live in the San Diego area, we would LOVE for you to go look at her...and then report back to us in great detail about this seller. I am sure it will be worthy of reality television. You may want to bring a film crew!