Thursday, December 13, 2007

At least they are being honest...kind of!

Their slogan is - folks, I do not make this shit up - "It's all about the hair."

Well, thank you for 'fessing up before I had to point out that it's clearly not about the quality or responsible breeding! You've allowed me to skip right to step two, detailing your sins for the public...and, boy, do I have a lot to talk about.

First of all, you breed Gypsy Cobs, otherwise known as "coloured cobs that sell for $400 in their native lands but are shipped overseas and sold to foolish Americans for 75x that." Many Europeans have pointed out this fact on the Internet, but this does not seem to dissuade the Gypsy Vanner aficionados, who continue to shell out amazing sums for critters that are, basically, spotted draft horses with more hair on their legs than a Nascar-watching redneck has on his back.

Though, never let it be said that these folks have one-track minds - their horse collection consists of "our Gypsy Cob stallion, four Draft Cross smaller mares, & one filly. Two Welsh Cob fillies, two Arabian mares, one Curly mare, one Morgan mare and three half Haflinger pony mares." And hey! You can put one in your barn because "prices are DRASTICALLY reduced" and "offers will be considered on any."

Well, I can't imagine why they're not selling, given that your stud is such a superstar. In your own words, he is "great with the farrior" and "can be ridden and sat on." Well, shit, with accomplishments like those, I can't imagine why all them big name dressage folks haven't come a'callin' with their checkbooks!

It's like a damn broken record, isn't it?

Here is the best part - they have the "buy it now" paypal buttons so that you can put a horse in your shopping cart and check out! What...why would they need to meet you? Know anything about you? I'm sure you're just as good a horse owner as any! Just paypal over the cash and come get your hafgypsymorcurly baby!

Check out this lovely creature. Poor dear! They say she is really friendly. That is like when someone tells you that your blind date has a great personality! I feel bad for this filly. She had her first foal this year, a month shy of her third birthday, and is bred back again...and she is available on the Internet to any moron who can paypal over $2500. Training level? Described as "baby training" other words, she leads and ties. Hell, who needs to train her? She can just pop out babies, like her momma who is also gettin' booted out the door at age 20 with the following reassuring language: "She was confirmed sound & healthy, and the vet said that she should live for a good long while yet. However, since she is an older mare, her price is for her 2008 in-utero foal only, with Lolli herself being free." Yep, no value except as a babymaker! That's what Momma's life has come to and I'm sure Filly's life is heading the same direction.

But hey, if you don't have Paypal and you still want a horse, no problem! We got one you can have for FREE since she is "lame in her front feet." That's an interesting diagnosis, but c'mon y'all, we can't be callin' the vet for a 24 year old horse! And just so y'all know, we ain't payin' for any vet bills if she gets even more fucked up on the ride to her new home. It's totally y'alls "responcibility."

But, c'mon, lookit this nice mare! She put up with all kinda shit. Like the way we ride.
And yup, you guessed it! Lame in both front feet Danzer popped out a Morab baby this year! (But we figger she's probably done now that she's gonna be 25, so her furry li'l ass is out the door.)

Now, in case you are thinking I've found one of the all time prize winners here, I'm not done.

They ALSO have a dog breeding operation. At least I think they are dogs, because I've never heard of some of these before. Allow me to list the "breeds," and I use the term loosely, they are marketing to the public. Again, just use the paypal button and the puppy of your choice is all yours! We don't need to know nothin' about ya. Y'all got money, that's all we need to know!

Mini Bulldogges
Ori Pei
Colonial Cockers
Mini Colonial Cockers
Mini English Cockers
Mini Aussiedoodles
Comfort Retrievers
Mini Saints
Dakota Sheepdogs
Mini Aussiedoodles
Mini English Shepadoodles

It's ok though, they are happy to educate you about all of these critters. Just peruse the various pages and you can learn that "A Toy Bulldogge is a very small Bulldogge, usually only maturing around 10 inches tall, or less. (As small as 7 inches)" and "A Comfort Retriever highly resembles a Golden Retriever, but are a lot smaller." And hey, they have guarantees in their contract! Allow me to share!

" This pup is guaranteed healthy and checked by our vet prior to leaving our home. We guarantee its health for 48 hours."

After that, if it keels over dead, you're fucked.

"If, within 48 hours after arrival (Sunday’s excluded), the puppy is examined by your vet and is found to be physically unsound, and if, within 48 hour period (Sunday’s excluded) the puppy is returned by the buyer to seller’s home with a written statement from the vet, stating in what respect the puppy is physically unsound, the puppy will be replaced."

That should be easy, returning a sick puppy to middle of nowhere South Dakota within 48 hours. No problem! And GREAT for the puppy!

"Otherwise all sales are final."

My cousin, he's a lawyer, he tole us to say that.

"This pup is also guaranteed to be free from canine hip-dysplagia and retinal eye-dysplagia for a period of twenty-four (24) months from the date of birth."

After that, again, you're fucked.

"X-rays for hip-dysplagia must be submitted to the Orthopedic Foundation for Animals, 2300 Nifon Boulevard, Columbia, MO. 652012, then submitted to myself, along with the dog, to receive full refund, or without the dog, for half a refund, and a copy of the final Bill of Sale."

'Cause we want to resell that there dog to someone who ain't smart enough to check its hips.

"Eyes must be checked by a licensed opthamologist to receive a refund."

The fact that it's walking around carrying a little white cane is not acceptable proof of visual impairment!

"No guarantee is given if in the rare case any puppy is sold for less then $300."

Of course not!
Say it with me folks...PUPPY MILL, PUPPY MILL, PUPPY MILL!

(And you all know how to stop these people. Make it YOUR MISSION this Christmas that NO ONE in your extended family buys a pet from anything other than a reputable breeder, or that they choose adoption/rescue instead. Let's all make that small effort this year to make animals' lives better.)