Wednesday, February 6, 2008

Way down yonder in the land of bullshit...

An alert reader spotted the following plea on Craigslist Atlanta, and while it is priceless in of itself, a short walk through this particular Craigslist found even more fugly fodder! We'll start with the one that was sent to me. The emphasis added in bold is mine.

"Help my stud horse, he is tired of being cooped up!!!!

Reply to:

Date: 2008-02-04, 4:39PM EST

I am in dire need of a round pen. I have a four year old stud horse who likes to run through my fences and down the road! the only thing he will not go through is round pen panels. The guy I bought him from let him out about once a week, and we used to let him out every other day until he started going through fences. He has been confined to his stall for almost 2 months, he does have an area attached to his stall but it really isnt big enough for him to run in so the only time he runs is on the lunge line. I need a round pen to attach to what we already have for him to run and play in. Please email me if you can help, free or very cheap. Thanks"

My remarks, and yes, I am going straight to "bitchy as hell" on this one:

1. If you cannot afford proper stallion fencing, what the hell do you think you are doing owning a stallion? Do you think you should have thought about this before you bought the stallion? I bet the neighbors love you. I wonder how many "oops" babies by your stallion are on the way?

2. You are not longeing that poor animal with a chain run under his chin, are you? Why of course you are. Why am I not surprised?

3. Do you suppose the fact that the poor thing was locked in a stall 6 days a week under the previous owner has anything to do with his desire to run free? Just maybe? And that your refusal to turn him out daily could be a contributing factor? Of course, here's another tip: That hot tape doesn't do shit if you don't get your lazy ass out there and cut down all of that brush and those tree branches interfering with it. I know complicated scientific stuff like how electrical current works is really a toughie, so just trust me on that.

4. Did you know that someone can search your e-mail address on Craigslist and see all of the other silly shit you are doing, like trying to find a miniature horse harness so your mini can pull you in your wedding (the mind just boggles at this) and then of course there's the nice Thoroughbred you're giving away for free who'll probably go to the friendly neighborhood horse killer. I think I'm going to have to quote from that ad, it's scaring the shit out of me. "Shedaisy is free to a good home. She is a sorrel thoroughbred, about 16.2 hands tall. We got her at a horse sale in Carrollton about 2 or 3 years ago. She had foundered so bad she almost couldnt walk to get on my trailer and she was about 200-300 pounds underweight. After we got weight on her and her hooves got better we could ride her. We rode her back in the summer bareback with just a halter. Right now she is about 100 pounds underweight, she lost it when she was in pain from straining her leg trying to get to the water in the lake. She has gained some back, she eats hay, spillers safety first lite pellets mixed with rice bran, and shohoof. The feed is $13 a bag and lasts 2 weeks and the shohoof is $26 and lasts 30 days. We also put hoof alive cream on the outside of her hoofs." Now, mind you, the ad shows this allegedly foundered TB turned out on lush pasture. 'Cause you know, that's JUST what every foundered horse needs! And why was she trying to get to water in the lake? Are you too fucking lazy to fill a water trough? Of course you are. And exactly what do you think external hoof dressing does for founder, an internal problem? I can't wait to hear this one.

5. Sweetheart, I don't normally comment on human appearance in this blog, but when you have an e-mail like "sexycowgirl1205," you are asking for it. That is all I am going to say.

Gah! Someone in Georgia, PLEASE go upgrade that poor TB, she is damn cute and probably needs a vet badly.

But wait, it's not over. Sexycowgirl is far from the only delusional equestrian in Georgia!

For those of you who really appreciate it when I post a clear example of a severe conformational you go! This is what I mean when I talk about something being "back at the knee." This is also called calf kneed. As you can see, his knees are just about double jointed! NOT a conformational trait that points to long-term soundness or the ability to do anything athletic and demanding. He also has a great example of an upside-down neck that ties in so low that it appears his neck goes straight down to his forelegs. Here on the blog, we call that a "nest" (inspired by the wonderfully descriptive human conformation term "cankles"). In short, this is a $500 two year old colt and it looks like a $500 two year old APHA colt. Um, in this market, maybe more like a $200 two year old APHA colt. And as usual, our question is: Why does this still have balls? So let's go to the hyper-enthusiastic description of this P.O.S. colt - straight from our favorite huntin' ground, Craigslist!

"Jax is one awesome young Paint quarter horse 15hh and still growing, with all the papers and he is registered. Follows you around like a puppy....never shown any aggression at all. Been babied his whole life.....! He is super fast, and well put together.....he would make a great poles or barrel horse. Been with us his whole life...never a stupid owner. He has great bloodlines his great grandfarther was "Two eyed Jack" without a doubt the great and most decorated quarter horse of all time! Here is a link about two eyed Jack: If interested....give me a shout ! "

I shall leave you all to decide whether or not Jax has a stupid owner. And by the way, while I personally really do like Two Eyed Jack horses, I really don't think we can argue that he was the greatest and most decorated Quarter Horse of all time...unless of course someone draped him in twisted crepe streamers and put glitter in his forelock! BTW, exactly what is a paint quarter horse? Does it have multiple personalities and switch breeds like Britney Spears switches accents?

This is like the best thing ever though. You have a $3,000,000 stallion and you can't afford dental work?

Need dental work
Reply to:

Date: 2007-12-27, 8:37PM EST

Will give an interest in my 4-time International breeding stallion (Tennessee Walking Horse) for dental work. This horse is and can be insured for 3 million. I need dental work and if you're a dentist with kids and a wife that wants to be part of the horse world, then we can make a deal :)

Sorry, I'm just dying here. I've got this image of Cletus the Redneck with a $3,000,000 "International breeding stallion" and no teeth. Sorry, Southerners, I know you hate it when I make fun of y'all, but you have to get people like this to stop posting or I can NOT resist!