Tuesday, February 5, 2008

Backyard Breeder Warning Labels

One thing I do like about BYB's is that they're just great about warning the rest of us what we're about to experience on their web site. The odds are beyond excellent that the most conformationally correct critter pictured will be the unicorn or pegasus on the main page, and this site is no exception! (click on it and it will FLY, wheeeeee!)
Actually, even that is kind of long backed and has no assitol (LOVE that, whoever came up with that, you're hilarious!)

I will say that their Shire stallion is a nice horse; however of course they also stand a Clydesdale with a positively ridiculous topline and a totally mediocre should-have-been-a-gelding black and white tobiano APHA stallion.

I do not pretend to be an expert on the Clydesdale breed. My experience with them is limited to taking many lessons as a little 'un on a Clydes/QH cross so broad that my feet basically stuck straight out to the side and I was unable to reach past the saddle flap with my legs, so I basically booted the saddle a lot and he rubbernecked me into the middle of the arena and stopped. But seriously, I am pretty sure that old schoolie was put together better than the thing at the left.

Need something to keep you busy? Why, who could beat this rare opportunity to purchase three 7 month old NOT HALTER BROKE Belgians? The filly is $600 and the colts are $500. Of course they are colts - these suckers are clearly in their natural state, you can't touch 'em and you sure as hell can't geld 'em. Bet you can't deworm them, either, from the looks of them. And you know what, folks, this lady is in CALIFORNIA. It's not like the weather's been too shitty to go outside and work with them.

She says they are going to be "real easy to train." Well, then, if it's so damn easy, why haven't you gotten off your rump and done it? Or at least fed them some feed through tranquilizer and chopped off their nuts?

You just knew she was going to be our bad parent - um grandparent - du jour as well, didn't you? Why, drafts are so safe. Why not put your toddler on them when they are TOTALLY LOOSE? Whatever could happen? You know, not like the kid could wind up underneath the horse with a hoof bigger than her skull planted on her face or anything. Ask some ER nurses, I'm sure they will assure you that never happens. And drafts, they're kinda like stuffed horses. They don't ever buck or do anything unexpected, right, draft owners?

OK, here is Mr. Totally Unspectacular Tobiano. WTF is up with those feet? Can anyone say slipper foot? OMG. Get a corrective farrier out to see this thing, stat! And it's not the picture. He looks like this in EVERY picture.

But hey, you can buy him and his shitty feet for only $2500! Or for another $2500, you can buy a piece-of-shit, downhill, straight shoulder fugly overo in foal to him. Joyous.

In case you thought it was over - you KNOW what's coming next, don't you? She breeds dogs too! ALL KINDS of DOGS. Everything from Min Pins to Pugs to Cane Corsos, best known for various incidents of mauling people all over the U.S. She is selling EIGHT DIFFERENT BREEDS. Of course she is. And not a WORD on the site about maybe the Cane Corso is a dog for experienced handlers only. Oh, hell no. Instead, she has a small child cuddling up to it as though it were the best family dog on earth. The Cane Corso is a dog for anybody who has a Visa card! Comes complete with a Chihuahua puppy it can eat as a snack on the way home. (Yeah, yeah, I know I'm going to hear from 2 of you who have snuggly sweet Cane Corsos and are angry at me for being a breedist. Whatever. You show me as many stories about a Golden Retriever severely mauling someone, and I'll back off.)