Monday, February 11, 2008

And the Academy Award for bad advice goes to...

An alert reader pointed me to yet another "rescue," and I use the term lightly as they are standing an Arabian stud whose sole accomplishments seem to be that he is (a) black and (b) has a penis. And she has adopted out horses including a "Norwiegon QH type Gelding." But it is her page on "what not to buy" that truly boggles the mind. Just a few quotes:

"Do NOT go somewhere to look at a horse, without the money to buy the horse, a truck and trailer and whatever mentor you need to have along with you in order to make a decision."

Since God forbid you go shop for horses in a vehicle that gets more than 10 MPG, or have the good sense not to have cash in hand to prevent an "impulse buy" before you've had the horse vet checked. Nope, bring that trailer and take it home NOW.

"If you think you just might want something for the grandkids, but then again, you might want to hook it up to a cart and sell tomatoes on the highway as well, then tell this to the seller. They may have that!"

That one, much like Kelis' attire at last night's Grammy Awards, just merits a great big WTF???

"Next, bring money with you. You don't go to the store to buy a couch with out money for the couch do you? "

I don't expect a couch to jump a fence, go down a trail or work cattle, either. There's a big difference between purchasing an inanimate object from an established retailer you can go after if it's defective and purchasing a live animal from a horse seller - a species notorious for disappearing, going bankrupt, and generally not having the money to take the animal back and provide a refund if the horse turns out to be physically defective or incapable of doing what you want it to do.

"I now charge $100.00 per hour for wasting my time! So please, don't come looking if you are not serious. :))"

I don't know if you're kidding, sweetie, but good luck enforcing that in court! If you could charge for that, car salesmen would be filthy rich.

"Attitude is shown by ears pinned, eyes squinted, nostrals big, tail swishing, neck arched, muscles tense and just an all around "uglyness" at the time of the request. "

Um, sounds like pain to me. Except the part about the big "nostrals" which is caused by exertion and/or breathing problems and has nothing to do with whether or not the horse is thinking happy thoughts.

"Ever heard that your heart is where your money is? Well I have found it to be true. Come on, admit it, if you REALLY want something you DO come up with the money for it doen't you? I know you have at least once! "

Overextend yourself financially based upon emotion. You KNOW you want to!

"I encourage you to get the horse of your choice vet checked before you buy it. "

Um, but you're saying they have to bring a trailer and cash in hand and be ready to make a decision? How exactly does that work? Perhaps you think the vet should accompany them on all horse buying trips...because that's a reasonable request.

Then she has all of these "tests" you should put a horse through before you buy it.

"Can you "Sack the horse out" with a plastic bag, saddle pad, rope etc?"

I know top quality polo ponies who are terrified of plastic bags. Believe it or not, there are a lot of quality horses who simply do not tolerate all that NH bullshit and it does not make them bad horses or horses you shouldn't buy. I'm imagining shaking a plastic bag at the faces of all the U.S. Olympic team horses to see what they do.

"Can you put the saddle on the horses Hind Quarters without the horse bucking?"

Why would you want to? Are you gonna ride its ass?

"Can you roll a ball towards the horse?"

I can if it's a polo pony! Otherwise I can't imagine why it needs to know this.

"And a final note...I can't say it enough...It's not IF you are gonna get hurt with horses, it's WHEN you're gonna get hurt. "

Really? I haven't gotten hurt worse than a bruise since 1987. (*knocks wood*) Do you suppose that may be because I don't shake plastic bags at horses and do all the ridiculous stuff you learned watching too much RFD-TV.

(Side note: Who saw that stupid Ryan Gingrich thing this weekend with the paint mare? OF COURSE SHE WAS HARD TO CATCH. You asshats were going straight at her face. No horse likes that. And then he advises to let go of the rope when the horse is strong, because you "don't want to get hurt." So now you have a loose mare running around with some kind of lead rope/longe combo wrapping around her legs. And she's learned she can get away. Awesome.)

Then there's her lesson page where she shows this kid "cantering for the first time." With NO stirrups, on the wrong lead, and it's PAINFULLY obvious he is NOT ready to canter. Go Instructor of the Year! Woot!

Then again, I guess she knows what will happen because she has psychic gifts from Jesus. (Folks, again, I do not make this shit up)

"This is called the "two points" position. It is an exorcize that encourages balance, and correct leg position in the rider. Much harder than it looks! (Ask any of my students:)"

Folks, this is just killing me. That's called how not to do a two point position!

Ok, then you gotta check out her rules for adoption horses. Allow me to quote some more: "Whoever comes with truck/trailer and money first gets the horse." Since that is how we make our decisions for adoptive homes.


I'm gonna go look at something less visually painful now. Like Kelis' pants.