Some updates and the best of my mailbag

Sorry for no post yesterday but it's been a busy weekend. Saturday, several friends and I decided it was "let's take some rescues to their first horse show" day. We all lived but we learned that (a) herdbound Ay-rab mares get kind of excited at their first show, and will nicker nonstop to their friends in the same class, (b) there ain't no way to "trot the edge off" a little hot potato Doc's Prescription bred mare (and attempting to do so makes your hamstrings and calves really sore the next day when you haven't ridden all winter except twice), (c) little girls' legs are no match for rotund Thellwell-esque 25 year old ponies who are stuck in "park," though satanic growling from adults in the vicinity seems to effect movement, and (d) you'll be really happy you're on that hot potato, agile little mare when the out of control, stuck in reverse horse starts flying at you in the warm-up ring and you have to get the heck out of the way quickly!

Today I rode the 22 year old rescue stallion from this post, and he was just great. He's not quite sound at the trot behind with weight on his back (I suspect a stifle issue) but he's super quiet and should do fine with a light use home. He will come gelded. I can't say a bad thing about the horse. Great manners, docile disposition, no vices, good about everything, easy keeper. So if you could use a horse like this, and you're around the PNW, let me know!


All right, now for more of the usual craziness this blog is known for!

WORST EXAMPLE OF A PERFECT CHILD'S HORSE PROSPECT: (My comments in BLUE)

I Am The Perfect Child's Horse For You!

Reply to: sale-489549939@craigslist.org

Date: 2007-11-26, 1:04AM

I am KhinKhade. I am a beautiful pure-bred arabian yearling stud that would love to grow up with your child! I can just see it now...I can teach your child what it is like to be nipped, kicked and run over - since children are so good at teaching good manners to yearling stud colts! I LOVE kids, love getting scratched (I even lean into it like a hapless puppy!) That'll be fun when I'm 1,000 lbs. I am VERY sweet and VERY calm! My granddaddies and grandmas are really well known horses. Not that my dipshit owner can name them. Ibn something, ya know. I have been DNA'ed so you can be sure I have great bloodlines. Since DNA testing relates to quality breeding! I am only 14.5 hands high right now and my owners don't know how to measure horses, but I will get a little bigger. I am searching for my child-friend to grow up with and love forever! I have kids around me all the time and absolutely LOVE them! But I am still searching for that special child to love and give piggy-back rides to. :) If you want me to be a baby for your baby please give me a good home. I will forever be loyal and kind as long as you keep scratching me and loving me! PS: I would make a GREAT Christmas gift and perfect child's horse! Did I mention I love kids yet? :) Here are a few pictures of me, one where I'm getting my favorite scratches. My owner would like to get $900 for me, but if you love me enough, she will negotiate with you! OK, I know you all have saccharine poisoning right now, but shake your heads and look at this again. Good GOD, could she try harder to place her yearling STALLION with a child? In what universe would that EVER be a good idea? Ack! What a LOON! Unfortunately I did not get the pics of Prince Cutesey Pie as the CL ad had expired. I'm sure they were just priceless.

IT IS A HORSE, NOT A FUCKING CLOWN CAR!


You guys have seen me go ballistic on things like this before, simply because 4 riders comprising TOO MUCH WEIGHT is actually even WORSE than 1 rider comprising TOO MUCH WEIGHT. But this deserves special mention because (a) they think they are a "rescue" and (b) this horse is FORTY FIVE YEARS OLD (well, allegedly, but god knows he looks every inch of it) AND BLIND.

FUCKTARDS. The only weight that needs to be on this horse is MORE of his OWN!

PRESIDENT OF THE SPOTTED SWAYBACKED HORSE ASSOCIATION!

Seriously, WTF?

Do you suppose this conformation is the result of the weird desire to put fat, middle aged men on 2 year old gaited horses and ride the crap out of them? Or is it all genetic? He's only 18, he shouldn't look THIS bad!

I don't know, I just am trying to figure out what kind of animal I think this critter resembles...because I know it isn't a horse!





SCARIEST HOME OFFER EVER!!!!!

i have a duii and need a horse to ride can you help??

Reply to: sale-521176082@craigslist.org

Date: 2007-12-27, 6:50PM PST

no joke!! wayne 503-754-5992

p.s. i can take care of her /he too ;-)

*FHOTD RUNS SCREAMING FROM THIS CRAIGSLIST POSTING!!!*

WE DON'T CARE ABOUT RESPONSIBLE BREEDING AT ALL!

Make your own foal! Yup, who cares if they are a good match? Mix and match and we'll make you whatever you want! And hell, we have a damn rainbow of stallions to choose from. It's like wearing Garanimals - they all go together! (These people have some nice horses...and some not-so-nice horses...but the entire idea of letting anybody out there with cash choose who gets bred to who is just appalling to me.) I don't get it, but then again, if you look at their broodmares, I don't know how the same pair of eyes that picked out the nice Obsessed to Impress mare also thought the nasty, long backed, calf kneed aptly named Bassett (as in HOUND) mare was breeding quality. Isn't it weird when you see discrepancies like that in somebody's herd (and they're not a rescuer)?

All right, I'm beat and need to hobble off to bed on my sore, sore hamstrings...

NHR, but too good not to share!

We've discussed unsafe trailer towing here before, but I just found this in my e-mail and it was WAY too good not to share with all of you!


This lesson is on how not to do things seems to totally escape some people. I'd love to see how the trip ended up but I feel confident he ended up in a ravine somewhere wondering why bad things seems to always happen to him.

He's hooked up and ready to fly!! It's amazing how the extra weight really smoothed out the ride in the truck. He did have to air up the rear tires a bit (around 160 psi)




















He added some heavy-duty chain for extra support on the tailgate (note that he used the "Heavy-Duty 'S' hooks to attach the chain) He also paid-up for some BIG 5/16 sheetmetal screws to attach the frame to the tailgate. Yeah, he knows it's overkill, but he didn't want the possibility of having an accident.





















Much of his time was spent on his front porch whittling down that MASSIVE 4x4 board to fit precisely into the ball mount receiver. Also note that he used a 14" piece of 1x4 to help distribute the load more evenly--"YOU CAN"T BE TOO SAFE, YOU KNOW!!". " It cost a little more, but you just can't be too safe when pulling a trailer of this magnitude !!".

Probably the rarest horse on the planet!

(I love off-the-wall advertising, it's awesome!) Emphasis in bold in the text of the ad is mine.

Probably the rarest horse on the planet!

"Munay is an Akhal-Teke X Andalusian. Since both breeds are rare, she is a unique find. This filly is gray going white. She is smart, gentle, a pretty mover and will be a tuff athlete. Her legs are very correct. It was a miracle that she was even conceived or that her dam carried her to term. Her dams old owner had not been able to get her in foal for 11 yrs. Plus she had foundered and refounderd after getting in foal. Munay was born 2007 on Easter Sunday. Her Andy lines are the old sought after military lines. Her sire is Gam,an Akhal-Teke stallion of the Aksakhal line. Both parents are beautiful movers and TUFF! Both are intelligent and kind. Munay will be a very kind, tuff and smart athlete with just a little something else. She is a special filly looking for that special someone."

Good God. Your poor old Andalusian mare probably is TUFF to have survived all of those founder episodes (well, I guess we are assuming she survived) while pregnant. But we know it is justified because she was carrying THE RAREST HORSE ON THE PLANET!

As I've said before here, some things are rare for a reason. Did ya ever think that maybe there's no great demand for Akhal Teke-Andalusian crosses in the world and it's not that you're just so clever and inspired? Nope, you didn't. You figured you were the only one who had such a brilliant idea to cross those two breeds!

All this pain and suffering to create what in my never-humble-opinion is a homely filly with a funky hip. The chestnut to the right of her is way cuter.

Just take 300 lbs off of him and he'll ride great!

I love this example someone sent me, because it's something I've been wanting to talk about: Starving horses down so that they'll be easier to ride. I particularly like this example because:

1. It's not some Backwoods Barbie - this is an expensive horse winning at a national level who is no doubt with a Big Name Trainer.

2. They're in the North! I'm not picking on the South this time!

3. These are educated folks. They can spell. They probably went to college. They are just, apparently, BLIND about how SHITTY their horse looks. Or their trainer told them it was ok. Beats me. But when you put your horse on the Internet looking like this, I am GOING to comment! Poor thing looks like a damn racing grayhound!

Allow me to respond to what I suspect is their excuse in advance:

No, he is not skinny due to having a tough show schedule. I can point you to hundreds of good weight, shiny horses at the Olympics who have been flown all over hell and creation to compete. And they are often doing things a hell of a lot more physically demanding than AQHA hunter under saddle. They don't look like your Auschwitz victim of a Quarter Horse. Give me an f'ing break.

Hey, I come from a discipline that used to keep horses skinny for bad reasons. In the 1980s we were convinced that if polo ponies didn't look like this horse, they'd break down. We really all thought they couldn't stay sound to play polo with weight on them. Well, we got a clue and these days most polo ponies look like the one I posted a few days ago with my conditioning blog - they are good weight and may have a touch of ribs showing but not much. (Amazingly enough, they don't break down...it's great when a discipline actually learns something over time, as I have seen happen!)

Here is what that poor creature used to look like. While I do think AQHA halter horses tend to be too heavy for their own good, there was a happy medium for this horse that unfortunately was missed completely. Of course, they brag "Who ever said halter horses can't ride?"

Jesus, people, I can give you hundreds of examples of halter horses that could ride without being starved down - we call them "AQHA Champions. " When you take a horse out and show him the way he looks at the top, you're just making the entire Quarter Horse industry look bad. If your kid is overmounted, get her an easier horse. It's not that damn complicated.

Can anyone translate these ads for me?

I thought I was pretty good at reading 8thGradeDropout-ese at this point, but damn...I am stumped at some of this. This is actually a very cute horse who would probably make a lovely pony gelding if someone can get to him before he shreds his pretty little self into ribbons on that barbed wire fence.

I also believe we've discussed this seller before, and I don't usually pick on someone twice, but I hadn't seen this, and the e-mail content is just too bad not to share! The emphasis in bold is mine.

"This is a very nice stallion he has thrown sum very nice colt's, He is out of show stock. He also has Registry pappers for AQHA and APHA I have not sent them In thou, He is out of impressive blood lines and he is built very well, He does not like ohter studs and he tends to attack what he can to get to them, but over all he has a very sweet personality and he thrown 3 aussume foals this year, To learn more about him you can go to Denisstandrige.com Horse ranch IN lamar,Ar this is his mothers blood lines I do not have his fathers"

His markings are described as "sworle." And he's a whopping 14.0 at 5 years of age.

What is a sworle? Sounds like some sort of rodent. Perhaps something that swims.

It gets better. One of our Loyal Readers e-mailed cutie-pie to find out more information and this is the response she received:

"Hi there again. He was born in march of 2003 so that would put him at 5 this year, the breeder is (redacted, it's probably not THEIR fault she's an idiot) in Lamar, Ar I bought him when is was 4Mos old, I am not sure all of her Pedg, but her name on the paper is MPR CIRCUIT BREAKER and the Fathers name is MPR DIVERSE COLORS thy both are Sorrle and White Tobiano. and thy both are 16 hands, My stud ended up being small becouse we weened him to early and we did not have him on starter feed, but other then that his colts well not be small so far thy are growing at a wounderful rate thy are all most as tall as him a 8 mo's old. Oh and befor I for get the dill on the papers is that I never signed them so all you would have to do is sign your name and send them in for the APHA he si soild sorrle with just sum white on his for head and the tip of his nose, I did not ever send in for the App for the AQHA papers I was not buying him to resale him so I did not think that I would ever need to get the papers I know I am crazy for not geting them but I just need to cute back on Horses right know."

All right, take a break from banging your heads into the nearest hard surface - there's an interesting element to all of this. She mentions (I have inserted the proper spelling) Dennis Standridge. Now, Dennis seems to have a halfway decent operation (warning for those at work, mute your computer first - bad loud music!). His studs are quality horses, though I have to say that Kid Clusive got the trademark Obvious Conclusion nine-mile-long-back and you all know how I feel about breeding N/H stallions. But he's a huge step up from Backwoods Brandie and you gotta wonder if he knows she's dropping his name (albeit badly spelled).

Now here's a gem from Petfinder...seriously, how illiterate can you be? And you're a RESCUE???

"Brud Mayor only.. We have her papers but we have never registered her. She throws wonderful colts and is a wonderful mother(red is one of her colts) but her will not be riden. She roles.. The right person with enough patience and a gentle heart with her may beable to change this. But a strong headed, hard handed person will not change this instead it will make her worse and she will roll.

http://search.petfinder.com/petnote/displaypet.cgi?petid=7012521"

She ROLLS? Now there is a new one. Do you suppose the poor thing is sore backed, just maybe?

And since you can't ride her, you've popped babies out of her...even though you are TOO LAZY to register her and therefore you've created MORE grade horses? Great. You know, it's not necessary to actually create horses you will later have to rescue. They are not in short supply!

I need a drink reading this stuff. Can someone send me a margarita?

When bad things happen to good horses

Meet Hanks QD Too, aka "Scarlet."

Scarlet is a very nice mare - in fact, she's the sort of mare that even I refer to as a breeding quality mare. She's well bred - the daughter of AQHA Champion Impressive Bar Leo out of a daughter of AQHA Champion (and very famous sire) Blondy's Dude. She's HYPP N/N.

And she's structurally good - even in this shitty condition, we can see a good shoulder, deep through the chest, not downhill, good pasterns, pretty neck set...this is going to be a beautiful mare when she has weight on.

Which amazingly enough IS going to happen because a reader of this blog, Julie Sheppard, saved her ass on Saturday night at the Pony Express Horse Auction in Covington, Georgia. Where she was RIDDEN THROUGH in this condition at the direction of her seller, MIKE GREEN from BYRON, GEORGIA. Hopefully someone here knows Mike and can alert him that the ENTIRE EQUINE COMMUNITY is about to know what a cruel, evil, unredeemable, soulless asshat he is. Hey, if you're in Georgia, make sure you never sell MIKE GREEN from BYRON, GEORGIA a horse!

Now the auctioneer at the sale gets a GOLD STAR because when Julie spoke up and said she wanted the mare to rehab for 4-H, he gave her the mare for free. HOORAY. I do not know his name, but thank you, sir. Apparently the bidding was at a whopping $31.

Scarlet is in bad shape. She has a heart murmur, ventral edema, possible congestive heart failure - needs an Echocardiogram to determine the severity, she has a wind-sucking, air-filled uterus and needs to have a Caslicks procedure, and she needs her teeth floated. She is now finally under the care of a veterinarian, thanks to Julie, who is sucking up the cost out of her personal money.

Let's review Scarlet's history here. This mare has had eight owners and produced eleven registered foals in her nineteen years on this earth. Not a one of them has a single AQHA point or has even participated in the Horseback Riding Program, so I think it is safe to assume most of her owners were Breeders Without a Clue. They had no plan for her foals but they kept making sure she popped them out...over and over and over again. She was sold to Mr. Asshat Green by an outfit called J&L Quarter Horses in Saint Cloud, Florida. I can't find out anything more about them on the web, and indeed they may have been completely duped by Mr. Asshat into believing he was a "good home," but I will note that the J&L folks popped three babies out of this good mare by completely unremarkable, nothing stallions like Easter Blue Bar, Hickory's Smooth Dude (earner of a whopping THREE halter points in ABRA, woot!), and some creature called Playin With Kid that has no show record, and I can't even seem to find out if he's HYPP negative though it bears noting he's sired by N/H stallion Kid Clu. Feel free to research further, I ran out of free AQHA searches for the month. Shit, people, you HAD a good mare and you didn't spend the money to breed her to a good stallion...not once. And look at the smorgasboard of bloodlines you bred her to. What the hell was even the point? Not like you had a discipline in mind!

Regardless, the current history seems to be: Clueless Florida breeder sold her to Asshat Green in May 2005, and he's managed to damn near kill her in the meantime. Now our faithful Blog Reader is stuck cleaning up this godawful mess, at her expense. That's not fair. A lot of other people owned this mare and got babies out of her, and I'll bet some of you know them (or even are them). Harold Mead bred her, in Valdosta, Georgia. Then she was sold to Danny Ray Hemmer, in Lamar, Arkansas. From there she went to Jerry and Carol Cluck in Van Buren, Arkansas, and they flipped her in three weeks to Joe Steidley, in Alpena, Arkansas. Joe had her for five years and sold her to the Lyman Shoemaker Estate in Lowell, Arkansas. They had her for about a year and a half and sold her to Danny Ramsey, in Colcord, Oklahoma. Danny had her for five years and sold her to the J&L folks.

If you're on this list, I'll tell you what, I'm going to think very highly of you if you get in touch and shoot over some money for the care of this mare. (Don't paypal me, I don't have her) Show me that some of you can and will take responsibility for horses you have owned that fall into bad hands. I could use my faith in human beings restored a bit. To clarify, Julie's not asking for money - that's all my idea because these situations make me very angry. Why are the rest of us always cleaning up the constant stream of neglected former broodmares?

Finally, as Julie points out "My biggest issue is with the Department of Agriculture agent on duty (as required by law) that allowed the horse to be sold. I feel that the horse should have been impounded and an investigation started to determine why she was in such condition." I agree. So all of you, please contact the Georgia Department of Agriculture's Animal Protection Division - they have e-mail - and weigh in on how there needs to be a formal investigation. Let's not only do our bit to take down Mr. Asshat Green, but also people like him at auctions all over.

Finally, I know someone is gonna pop in and say "all breeding is bad, see, see, a good bred mare was at a sale for $31!" Well, no. You know, this mare was less likely to wind up like this - by a mile. She just seems to have drawn the short straw for much of her recent history if not always. It does happen - but it doesn't happen to get of AQHA Champions as much as it happens to get of some no-name, no-pedigree-no record horse. I'll continue to argue that point with anybody.

Not even smart enough for the sea monkeys

We've joked before that we should send out sea monkey breeding kits to the BYBs that display a particular lack of the necessary intelligence to breed anything bigger. I have to say, I wouldn't even subject the sea monkeys to this girl. My comments in blue as usual.

"Champ is a 5 year old stud pony and he's very loveable and kind he's is kinda shy until he learns your trust . I walk him up and down the street as if he was a big dog lol he not afriad of cars or other animals (After where he lives, what would be scarier?) we had him since he was born and my stepfather never did nothing with him so i deiced (looks like he could use de-icing in that second picture!) to halter brake last summer and he dont have any foals on the ground (THANK GOD!) and he would make a really nice gelding (No, honey, he wouldn't even make a nice gelding. But he still needs to be one.) and if u breed him i belive he'll be 85% color due to haveing b&w parents and gradparents. (Genetics by Lindsey!) he's is great and he never been rode but today (1-23-08) i sat on his back and he just stood there like he's broke so he'll be VERY easy to start riding (yep because if they don't blow the first time, they never will. It's not like they get their balance four rides in and start throwing shit at you. That never happens.) and i was going to keep him for a trick horse (of course you were!) and if he dont sale (SELL! SELL! SELL! Why do you people have so much trouble with the difference between sell and sale?) soon i still will so buy him while you can (and save him from his future as a "trick horse") and i took new pics of him today(1-23-08) so u can call or email me thanks."

Conformationally, ol' Champ is pretty much of a train wreck. Those are the worst set of cow hocks I think I have ever seen, and the front legs look crooked too, though I suspect lack of hoof care is involved. He's got that Nicole Richie oversized head look that I associate with long term poor nutrition. On the plus side, he's got a nice shoulder and he's a whopping $250 to buy if anybody feels like upgrading the poor little guy and getting him away from that lovely horse facility!